bye bye good-girl

After having my heart broken into what felt like 5 million pieces, I decided to do something I never had done before. I became a man. Not in a physical sense, but emotional. I became a stone cold sex goddess. I revised my sexual desires that I had first experienced with Scott. I had my one night stands and epic sexual encounters.

Ted. My first friends with benefits. We hit it off quite well as we had the exact same sense of humor and sexual drive. We fucked mostly in his truck which was fun. It brought me back to a time in high school where sneaking around was the norm. What was so great about him was he was a little chubbier and VERY well endowed. I didn’t feel self-conscious at all. We bonded over music and our love for drinking. After shows, we would meet up and release the tensions of eye contact and arm brushes all night. I should mention that we were top secret. No one knew about our encounters and I never really asked why it was that way. I played along, with the exception of my best girlfriends of course. This went on for 2 years until I heard that he had a girlfriend whom he had been dating for the last 6 years. I grew ill to my stomach as I cant imagine someone who I had dedicated that must time into treated me that way. We remained acquaintances and she had never found out. during that time however I came to the conclusion that I was not the only girl that he had on the go. Him and his girlfriend at the time are now split up as of a year ago. Not because she found out about the cheating, but because she wanted to travel. He was heart broken about the matter and insisted that he was good to her. He was sure that she would come crawling back. I think deep down she knew how he was. After him and I stopped sleeping together he managed to sleep with two of my friends. I don’t blame them. He is charming and hilarious.

 

Remember when…

I remember my short time with Kyle. He picked me up from the bar and I could smell the liquor on him. He was swerving and it was middle of winter. I was scared that we would crash or run off the road. We were driving up hill when I yelled at him to slow down. He abruptly pulled the car over at the Fas Gas and told me to get out. I got out of the car nd was completely shocked to see him hit the gas and leave me in the dust. It was about minus 20 and I was in a mini dress. It started to rain and I began the journey home. It was cold and I could feel my feet developing blisters. Half an hour later I got home. I should also note that my phone had died in the truck. Upon charging it, I received 10 messages first calling me a bitch and ending with how much he loved me and is sorry. I never talked to him again

Judd. I always run into him now. This guy swept me off my feet. We dated for 3 weeks and it ended so quickly for good reason. I think it is because of him that I all of a sudden have red flags when it comes to guys who like me “too much” right away. Judd was sweet, but jealous and clingy. He drank a lot and wore his heart on his sleeve. He was the kind of guy you had to check in with and was possessive. It was because of that we broke up. He made me feel smothered and it scared me. I broke up with him blaming it on outside issues. We had planned to go to a wedding in which he had already RSVP’d for so I kept my word and went with him. It was out at a hall outside of town and we had a great time. It wasn’t until the liquor started to hit him he started to get touchy feely. I had retreated to the bathroom where he followed me. He shut the door and had thrown me up against the wall and had my hands in his hands. I started to yell for help and a friend came in and punched him in the face. I had left the bathroom and was taking with friends trying to arrange a ride home. I got into the vehicle and he must have seen me because he threw himself on the car trying to make me stay. People around the car started to pull him off and we were clear to pull away. We drove past my car to see him peeing on it. this too was in the middle of winter. from what I hear he hasn’t changed much. he is still possessive and is know to stalk his exes. I am just glad I got myself out of that situation when I had the chance. ALWAYS FOLLOW YOUR GUT LADIES!

Johnny. oh Johnny. He was the guy who I first dated after Ryan. We met at a pub when I was rather intoxicated. I was feeling confident at the moment and walked right up to him to tell him I wanted to kiss him. As I heard those words come out of my mouth I immediately retreated. I was embarrassed by the statement I had made and even more embarrassed by the possibility of rejection. I drove home and prepared for my trip to Chicago the next day. The night I arrived in Chicago I received a Facebook notification saying that I had a message from John. The messaged asked me where I ran off to and why I didn’t follow through with my statement. I couldn’t believe he found me and I was pretty excited to hear from him. He must have thought of me all night and found me attractive if he was going to send me a message! We talked everyday for two weeks and the night before my arrival back to Canada we decided that he would come pick me up. Everything was perfect. He was just as handsome as I remembered and we held hands the whole way back to his…parents. Yes, his parents. (red flag) He was a tattoo apprentice which I loved and he played drums which was equally attractive. He was a gaming nerd and artistic. totally up my alley. He didn’t sleep the whole night that night. We had passionate and then aggressive sex. He had a real liking for Anal and biting which didn’t bother me one bit. After passing out I would awake several times to find him still playing video games. He brought me home around 10AM and we did the same routine the next night. We had two nights of bliss until he just stopped talking to me. It was shocking because I had no indications that he wasn’t interested. Ryan and I had split up about two months prior to this and it really took a toll on myself esteem. A girl can only handle so much rejection before she starts questioning herself. After a couple of desperate messages to Johnny, he finally responded and wanted to hangout again. It was like a pattern. Two weeks of having fun and being together to all of a sudden no communication. I decided to take matters into my own hands and followed him out to a pub where I saw him with another girl. My heart broke. I couldn’t believe that after all that had happen with Ryan, I was getting this from Johnny. Why was he so persistent and why did he seem so interested?

Upon reflection, he used me. He was technically unemployed and had depression issues. He was still hung-up on his ex-girlfriend from two years prior to that and drove a truck on the brink of death. Instead of blaming myself for not being skinny enough or pretty enough, I blamed it on him. When someone is not happy with themselves they let others feel shitty too. Not to mention the other girl who was in the picture!! once again I reiterate ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT. We don’t talk anymore. it was an endless game to him and I couldn’t take it anymore. it took a while but I cut him off. it would be BRENDAN who would break my heart next.  >:{

 

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Brendan

6 month long and ended less than a year ago. I should start by saying that he is now in a very committed relationship and has a baby. I should also say that this girl was a cause for some fights we had because they were always messaging each other. (must have been true love)

Brendan and I met at a pub a few months prior to our dating. I wasn’t attracted to him at first (seems to be a trend) and it took him 4 months to convince me to go out with him.

He was fresh out of a relationship with a complete “psycho” who from what I was told physically and emotionally abused him. We went on a couple dates before we became physical. I respected him for that considering a lot of guys cant wait to just get it in. At the time he drove a two door white truck that was cover with dust  and smelled of cigarettes. He was kissing me good night and we couldn’t stop. He was pulling me closer in and I could feel how excited he was getting with my hand. I was pleasantly surprised with the girth and found myself unzipping his pants in the truck. we decided it was time to change locations. His house was on the other side of town so we went down a rural dirt road closer to my place while I stroked him to keep him excited. He parked under a tree and I took my panties off. (luckily I was wearing a dress) I put him in my mouth and could hear him enjoy what I was doing.  He was very generous in the sense that he wanted me to feel good too. he told me to get out of the truck and I did. he brought me to the tail gate and bent me over. I liked that he was aggressive. He grabbed me by the back of my neck and that turned me on even more. He finished on my ass and wiped it off for me. (such a gent) He brought me home and I slept like a baby.

Our relationship was great. We both had a lot in common and we were on the right track. we laughed a lot together and met each others family. There were some red flags that I ignored due to my complete ignorance of the drug world.

I have always been upfront about my expectations in dating. One of my expectations is no drug abuse. He said he didn’t abuse them and I believed him. thinking about it now, he must have really wanted to impress me.

Brendan and I would drink together but he would disappear at random times and I busted him doing COKE. he said he didn’t do it often, just sometimes when he drinks. I was visibly upset and he said that he wouldn’t do it again. (liar)

Anyways, after thanksgiving and meeting his extended family in Calgary he turned 26. He had always expressed to me that he felt that he wasn’t happy with the progress of his life. there was so much he wanted to do, but felt stuck in Red Deer. He had a midlife crisis at 26. After his 26th birthday dinner with his parents I dropped him off at home. We kissed goodnight and I knew something was off with him but I brushed it off.

The next day I got a phone call from his co-worker wondering where Brendan was. It was very unlike him to not go to work. He was always a pretty responsible person, which was something I loved about him. I told him that I hadn’t heard from him this morning but I will stop by his house between classes. Brendan had given me a key to his house so around lunch time I had gone to check on him. I walked in to the house and went to the bathroom where I found rolled up 5 dollar bills. I didn’t understand what that was about but just went on with my business. after the bathroom I walked into Brendan’s room where I found him starfish naked on his bed. There was porno on the TV and he had a bottle of lube in his had that proceeded to drip on to his carpet. upon closer observation, I noticed a white substance on his nightstand and dresser. I also noticed rolled up dollar bills yet again and it finally clicked. I aggressively woke him up and he was panicked. he asked me what I was doing there and I told him. I told him it was noon and his co-workers were concerned. He seemed embarrassed and quickly tried to hide the evidence. He knew I knew what he did and he flat out asked me if it was over. I replied, yes. lets just keep in mind that this was a Monday night. MONDAY.

 

Needless to say, he knocked up some girl 3 months after we broke up. the same girl who he was talking to before. He didn’t get to do all the traveling and is now a father with a live in girlfriend. I wonder if that incident changed him. maybe it was his “low” point.

Ryan

He was my second serious relationship. We met through a mutual friend who invited him along to a concert we were going to in Edmonton.

(btw I had dated in between Scott and Ryan but nothing serious)

I wasn’t attracted to him so I didn’t pay much attention the whole car ride into Edmonton. When we arrived at the venue we had split up.

He ended up standing by me when my favorite song came on and I had mentioned it to him. Not even a second later he took my hand and ran us up to the front of the stage. I will never forget how kind of a gesture that was because it was what made me fall for him.

Ryan was a challenge. He was one of those guys who wanted to hangout all the time, but didn’t want the label. Him and I dated for months before he actually made the commitment to be in a relationship. He was into metal, worked as an eavestrougher and was a jock. He was involved in every sport he could sign up for. When we finally commited to eachother everything seemed to have fallen into place. I moved into his apartment and we introduced eachother to family. It was comfortable and I loved our life.

 

EXCEPT the following issues.

  1. No one compares to his mother.
  2. Only he can cook because I don’t do it like his mom does
  3. closet doors must stay open
  4. you only shop for groceries at Sobeys or Save-on
  5. I wasn’t allowed seconds
  6. I am designated driver
  7. Vanilla sex only. (boring)
  8. Didn’t like to try new restaurants or food
  9. we only go out with his friends
  10. we only do what he wants to do
  11. no lipstick, high heels or flowers in hair (I still don’t understand because I always did this and all of a sudden he didn’t like it anymore)
  12. No one can touch his phone (probably because I busted him more than once sexting)
  13. all holiday dinners were with his family

He was popular and selfish. I think he had a mild form of OCD which caused me to become incredibly anxious. I was always walking on egg shells and hated his lack of affection.

 

Jesus. Reading all of this makes me wonder how I stayed with him for so long?! Why did I allow myself to be in a relationship that was so toxic to myself?

I believe that he broke me and caused my self esteem to be lower than ever. I wasn’t worth the effort to him. Getting to know my friends and family was something he wasn’t interested in. I think I did more for him then I did for myself during those three years.

I remember the day we broke up. He texted me while I was at work at 10:30 in the morning. He said he didn’t feel the same anymore. A FUCKING TEXT after 3 years together. A part of me was relieved, but a huge part of me was sad. I was sad because I gave my all into the relationship and it was never good enough. Looking back I knew it wasn’t working. I would try to fantasize about walking down the isle to him and having his children. It scared me and made me more anxious. I cant imagine him being a father. Would he have been capable of being patient or loving to his children if he couldn’t be to his wife? It would be my worst nightmare for my future children to ever feel the loneliness that he let me feel at times.

There were some good times. The first year of course. I loved his family and I loved that he was so involved in the outdoors and sports. He had hobbies that I didn’t have and I enjoyed learning about them. I loved that every birthday, him and I would have dinner and he would get me a Dairy Queen ice cream cake accompanied with flowers and a thoughtful card.

After the breakup I believe I saw him maybe 4 times out and about. The one thing I can say that I respect about him was that when it was over, it was over. No communication. It made it easier to move on in the long run minus one incident that I will write about later 😉

xox

 

 

Scott

One of the most romantic stories in my life turned sour.

I first met Scott while I dated Anthony. I had gone to some metal show at a local music venue which at the time was called Oasis 160. I remember standing in the crowd with my friend Andy. I looked beside me and I instantly had a physical reaction. I remember putting my hand to my chest in awe. He was the man of my dreams. He looked like Davey Havok and Robert Smith in a 19 year olds body. I could feel him looking at me throughout the show. I remember he was with a blond haired lady which confused me. I made it quite noticeable that I was going to the bathroom. I didn’t have to go, I just wanted to see if he would follow me plus, it was a good cover considering Anthony and Andy were best friends. Scott did follow me, infact, he brought me to a corner of the venue where I had the most passionate make out session in my young life. I don’t remember us talking very much as we were both shy. We just looked into each others eyes and kissed. It felt natural and it felt sincere.

Probably a good hour went by and my mom came to pick me up. I didn’t remember his name or where he lived. I disappeared on him without a goodbye. I had begun to feel guilty about Anthony and was worried I would get caught.

A few months had passed and Anthony and I had broken up.(I had caught him cheating) Myspace was a huge thing back then so it was easy to find people and make connections. I started chatting it up with this guy who was exactly my type. We messaged each other everyday and it eventually turned into phone calls. We couldn’t figure out how we became friends on Myspace but we were happy that it happened. One particular night, we were visiting and he was asking me about the neighborhood that I lived in and the last show I went to. I told him it was at Oasis 160  a few months back. There was a moment of silence on the phone and he preceded to tell me that he was at the same venue around the same time. He then told me the story about a girl who he met there and couldn’t stop thinking about. It clicked for the both of us, I was that girl…he was that guy. I remember being so excited to find him again. We instantly made plans to meet.

Our first time meeting was in my mind magical. He came to my house and my mom let him in. I didn’t prepare her for what was on the other side of the door. Although he was kind and sweet, Scott had the look of a new wave, gothic punk. He had jet black hair that matched his eyeliner. He wore florescent eye shadow and at times black or red lipstick. He had his septum, nose, lip and brow pierced. His ears were gauged and his eyebrows were drawn on as he would shave them. He wore more jewelry and makeup than myself. He was my idea of perfection. My mother reluctantly let me go with him but before hand she interrogated me with millions of questions that I would respond to in lies. the truth is, I didn’t know him that well. we had no friends in common and I could have been in danger (being a teenager leads you to believe that you are unstoppable and nothing bad could ever happen). Scott and I had gone to visit my girlfriend Nicole and he had brought along a friend to keep us company. looking back I feel bad for the friends. They had to pretty much watch us make out and dry hump all day. I told him I loved him that day and he didn’t respond right away, but I knew he did. I had  pretty early curfew so after our day of just driving around and grabbing food I got dropped off. we said our good byes and I told him to call me when he got home. He did and that started our epic love affair.

I don’t think I have loved anyone as much as I loved him. I don’t know if I could to be honest. He was an unselfish love. a love that allowed me to grow and experiment sexually. He was the first of many firsts in my life. He spoiled me rotten with gifts and jewelry. He took me on countless dates and accompanied me to all my high school dances when he himself was a college student. He was my best friend.

So many memories that I look back on and laugh. we were so desperate to be with each other we would drive to abandon parking lots, or go to parks, or fields, or plan it out perfect so no one was home at his moms house. I remember the abandon parking lot in my moms minivan. we went to the back seat and we had fucked for at least an hour before the police knocked on the passenger side window. I remember him taking me to homecoming and pulling over on the side of the street so we could go to the park and fuck on the picnic table. I remember his mom leaving the house for an all day excursion. He had took the mattress off of his loud bed frame and we fucked every single way possible for a record time of 4 hours. I was so swollen that it hurt to walk.  I think the worst one was when Scott and I went to a show with his dad in Milwaukee. on the way home we sat in the very back of his SUV where I unzipped his pants and started to suck him off while he played with me from behind. we started to discreetly fuck. he held my mouth shut so my moans were muffled. I don’t think there wasn’t a day that we were with each other that we didn’t have sex. If I could find a man like that nowadays, I would be happy. Someone spontaneous and has no boundaries. I was spoiled with him. in every way possible.

Scott was a 4 year long process of being together and breaking up. I have regrets of the separation, but I also know that if it didn’t end, I would have been married and probably have had children by now. I would have missed out on my schooling, friends and experiences I have had so far. He is in a serious relationship right now that started after our last breakup. I believe 6 years ago and he hasn’t popped the question to her. I always wonder if I have anything to do with his lack of full commitment to this girl. I know him and I had many discussions about marriage and kids. He had given me a promise ring as well. I had also noticed that all of his girlfriends in someway or another physically resemble me. I wonder at times, if I moved back home and he knew, if he would come looking for me. He always looked me when I came home for the holidays. If he did look for me and find me, would I finally be ready to settle down with him? I haven’t talked to him in 4 years, but he is someone who is still on my mind and I don’t know if our story is over yet. after all, we have had the epic “how we met” story. Maybe one day he will be my happy ending. until then, I have a lot of other stories to tell you. including one really nasty one of Scott screwing me over.

 

Until then 🙂

XXOO

 

 

Anthony

dealing-with-heartbreakMy second boyfriend was Anthony. He was my first boyfriend in high school. He was older of course and believe it or not, I was not attracted to him. Back in those days we passed notes at fear of face to face rejection.

I was a little odd in high school. I wore black 95 percent of the time and had multicolored hair. I had facial piercings and wore loads of makeup. fishnets and corsets were an everyday look.

It was after second period when I went to my locker when a 10th grader came up to me. He was tall, wore a soulfly t-shirt and had Tripp pants. He had kind eyes and a smile that you cant help but smile back at. His name was Erik. He made me blush with every word he spoke. He didn’t say much. only that he had a note that he wanted me to read. I got to third period giddy and eager to sit down for a read. It turns out that the note was not from Erik. it was from his best friend Anthony. Anthony wrote about my beauty. How he noticed me right away and how he would like to get to know me. I didn’t know what he looked like as he never introduced himself. I wrote back saying that we should meet before I say yes to his invitation. I passed my note on back to Erik and after school that day Anthony and I met at the cafeteria.

I wasn’t really attracted to him, however, it became clear to me through talking with my new girlfriends that he was popular. I agreed to hangout and get to know each other and it ended up being that we had a lot in common. Upon getting to know each other I became more and more attracted to him. We wrote notes everyday professing our love for each other. we made out in the halls as if no one was around. we were late for classes every day and sometimes we would skip.  He was a rebel. A bad influence to be exact. He was dark and mysterious, never really letting anyone in. He had these green eyes, a shaved head but still had bangs. He was everything my mom hated. We dated secretly as my parents were persistent on me not dating. Anthony was a junior and I was a freshmen. He too had a sexual past and was eager for me to be the next. I too desired him. He was my first for any kind of “heavy petting”. He was dominate and aggressive. I liked it. like teenagers do, we would find places to neck at friends, in cars and parks. One of my most fondest memories is after an aggressive make out session in the middle of winter, we walked from Andy’s house to a tree fort close by. The huge spruce tree gave us shelter from the wind along with couches to continue our play time. he sat on the recliner as I straddled him. We made out and rubbed against each other until we couldn’t hold back anymore. I pulled down him pants and got on my knees. I wasn’t sure what I was doing, but I could feel him enjoy it. He stopped me a few minutes into it and asked “if I wanted to”. I said yes. He was my second. I rode him on the lazy boy until he came. I of course did not. I remember it still hurt, if not more so due to his girth.  we dated for one more month until I found out he was unfaithful.

Side note- we reconnected in 2015. He’s a loser 🙂

 

 

V-Card 101

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The loss of virginity is a pivotal moment in a girls life. We expect the romantic setting, the music in the background and the lover that will know exactly how to hold you and make you feel comfortable. I expected my first time to be all of that and more. An orgasmic explosion and heated emotions. Never did I expect it to happen the way it did.

15 years old. Freshman year. I dated Eric. Eric was a more experienced guy who had a sexual past. I don’t remember much about him, but I remember him being the first guy to ever pay me a compliment and look at me in a sexual way. He made me feel beautiful and desired. It was new and exciting. I met him at a park where my brother used to play football as a kid. He played about 2 times a week and I started to notice the guys that would come around and watch from the neighborhood. I remember I walked to concession to grab some snacks and a drink when our eyes met. I was instantly attracted to him. He was your typical 16 year old boy. He had greasy looking hair and a “don’t give a shit attitude”. He was always on his BMX and had crew along with him at all times. He had acne and always seemed to have dirt under his nails. Most importantly, he was sweet. He was the first guy to kiss me so deeply that I couldn’t feel my toes. We were together for about 3 months (a life time as a teenager). I knew he was more experienced and I would lie if I didn’t feel pressure to start that sexual chapter in my life.

I don’t remember the day or what events lead up to the big event. I remember we were walking the streets of the neighborhood like we always did. It was his friends on their bikes and myself walking along. We decided to go to Adams house. His mom was never really home so it was a prime make out location. The boys and myself were in Adams room and I was watching them play video games. I snuck out to the bathroom and when I came out I saw Eric standing there. His friends were still in the room playing games and he and I were finally alone. We looked around the house for a perfect make out spot. He lead me up the stairs to the last door which lead to another flight of stairs to the attic. He opened the door and it was full of boxes and old furniture along with picture frames with no photographs and toys that haven’t been used in years. It was dusty, dark and had the smell of mold. In the corner of the room there was a mattress laying on the floor. He brought me over to the mattress where we started to kiss and get to know each others body. Eric and I never experimented with much. We always kept it PG. It was surprising to me that we skipped all the foreplay and got right down to business. I remember him undressing and then undressing me. I was shy with my body and tried to hide it as much as possible (I had always been a little chubbier). He made me feel comfortable and just took control. I remember the pain that was not expected. I remember thinking, this is it? This is what all the fuss is about? I remember it lasted about 4-5 minutes. I don’t even know if he came. I remember getting dressed and not being able to look at him. For some reason I was disgusted with him. I was disgusted in myself. I think it was because my expectations were so high. Why wasn’t it the most romantic night of my life? Why didn’t it feel good? Why didn’t we look into each others eyes and profess our love for each other?  I broke up with him the next day. I couldn’t look at him the same. I felt robbed of the experience of a life time and I blamed him. Looking back on it, I find it to be humorous. I expected my first sexual experience to be what the movies make it out to be. It was actually everything it should have been. embarrassing, awkward and a story for the books. Who loses their virginity in an attic? I do.

Welcome to my first attempt at a blog. I don’t fully understand what this world is about, but what I assume it to be is a place to rant about daily experiences and stories of the past. To be frank, I hope that I come across a reader that can somewhat relate to my past relationship experiences and outrageously awkward scenarios. I will have to back track a few times here and there. Maybe a reader will be able to give me advice or insight into why I pick the guys I pick and how the hell I end up in these situations that are at times humorous and embarrassing. Just a heads up, this blog will be descriptive and at times vulgar. readers discretion is advised.

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