Ryan

He was my second serious relationship. We met through a mutual friend who invited him along to a concert we were going to in Edmonton.

(btw I had dated in between Scott and Ryan but nothing serious)

I wasn’t attracted to him so I didn’t pay much attention the whole car ride into Edmonton. When we arrived at the venue we had split up.

He ended up standing by me when my favorite song came on and I had mentioned it to him. Not even a second later he took my hand and ran us up to the front of the stage. I will never forget how kind of a gesture that was because it was what made me fall for him.

Ryan was a challenge. He was one of those guys who wanted to hangout all the time, but didn’t want the label. Him and I dated for months before he actually made the commitment to be in a relationship. He was into metal, worked as an eavestrougher and was a jock. He was involved in every sport he could sign up for. When we finally commited to eachother everything seemed to have fallen into place. I moved into his apartment and we introduced eachother to family. It was comfortable and I loved our life.

 

EXCEPT the following issues.

  1. No one compares to his mother.
  2. Only he can cook because I don’t do it like his mom does
  3. closet doors must stay open
  4. you only shop for groceries at Sobeys or Save-on
  5. I wasn’t allowed seconds
  6. I am designated driver
  7. Vanilla sex only. (boring)
  8. Didn’t like to try new restaurants or food
  9. we only go out with his friends
  10. we only do what he wants to do
  11. no lipstick, high heels or flowers in hair (I still don’t understand because I always did this and all of a sudden he didn’t like it anymore)
  12. No one can touch his phone (probably because I busted him more than once sexting)
  13. all holiday dinners were with his family

He was popular and selfish. I think he had a mild form of OCD which caused me to become incredibly anxious. I was always walking on egg shells and hated his lack of affection.

 

Jesus. Reading all of this makes me wonder how I stayed with him for so long?! Why did I allow myself to be in a relationship that was so toxic to myself?

I believe that he broke me and caused my self esteem to be lower than ever. I wasn’t worth the effort to him. Getting to know my friends and family was something he wasn’t interested in. I think I did more for him then I did for myself during those three years.

I remember the day we broke up. He texted me while I was at work at 10:30 in the morning. He said he didn’t feel the same anymore. A FUCKING TEXT after 3 years together. A part of me was relieved, but a huge part of me was sad. I was sad because I gave my all into the relationship and it was never good enough. Looking back I knew it wasn’t working. I would try to fantasize about walking down the isle to him and having his children. It scared me and made me more anxious. I cant imagine him being a father. Would he have been capable of being patient or loving to his children if he couldn’t be to his wife? It would be my worst nightmare for my future children to ever feel the loneliness that he let me feel at times.

There were some good times. The first year of course. I loved his family and I loved that he was so involved in the outdoors and sports. He had hobbies that I didn’t have and I enjoyed learning about them. I loved that every birthday, him and I would have dinner and he would get me a Dairy Queen ice cream cake accompanied with flowers and a thoughtful card.

After the breakup I believe I saw him maybe 4 times out and about. The one thing I can say that I respect about him was that when it was over, it was over. No communication. It made it easier to move on in the long run minus one incident that I will write about later 😉

xox

 

 

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