The loss of virginity is a pivotal moment in a girls life. We expect the romantic setting, the music in the background and the lover that will know exactly how to hold you and make you feel comfortable. I expected my first time to be all of that and more. An orgasmic explosion and heated emotions. Never did I expect it to happen the way it did.
15 years old. Freshman year. I dated Eric. Eric was a more experienced guy who had a sexual past. I don’t remember much about him, but I remember him being the first guy to ever pay me a compliment and look at me in a sexual way. He made me feel beautiful and desired. It was new and exciting. I met him at a park where my brother used to play football as a kid. He played about 2 times a week and I started to notice the guys that would come around and watch from the neighborhood. I remember I walked to concession to grab some snacks and a drink when our eyes met. I was instantly attracted to him. He was your typical 16 year old boy. He had greasy looking hair and a “don’t give a shit attitude”. He was always on his BMX and had crew along with him at all times. He had acne and always seemed to have dirt under his nails. Most importantly, he was sweet. He was the first guy to kiss me so deeply that I couldn’t feel my toes. We were together for about 3 months (a life time as a teenager). I knew he was more experienced and I would lie if I didn’t feel pressure to start that sexual chapter in my life.
I don’t remember the day or what events lead up to the big event. I remember we were walking the streets of the neighborhood like we always did. It was his friends on their bikes and myself walking along. We decided to go to Adams house. His mom was never really home so it was a prime make out location. The boys and myself were in Adams room and I was watching them play video games. I snuck out to the bathroom and when I came out I saw Eric standing there. His friends were still in the room playing games and he and I were finally alone. We looked around the house for a perfect make out spot. He lead me up the stairs to the last door which lead to another flight of stairs to the attic. He opened the door and it was full of boxes and old furniture along with picture frames with no photographs and toys that haven’t been used in years. It was dusty, dark and had the smell of mold. In the corner of the room there was a mattress laying on the floor. He brought me over to the mattress where we started to kiss and get to know each others body. Eric and I never experimented with much. We always kept it PG. It was surprising to me that we skipped all the foreplay and got right down to business. I remember him undressing and then undressing me. I was shy with my body and tried to hide it as much as possible (I had always been a little chubbier). He made me feel comfortable and just took control. I remember the pain that was not expected. I remember thinking, this is it? This is what all the fuss is about? I remember it lasted about 4-5 minutes. I don’t even know if he came. I remember getting dressed and not being able to look at him. For some reason I was disgusted with him. I was disgusted in myself. I think it was because my expectations were so high. Why wasn’t it the most romantic night of my life? Why didn’t it feel good? Why didn’t we look into each others eyes and profess our love for each other? I broke up with him the next day. I couldn’t look at him the same. I felt robbed of the experience of a life time and I blamed him. Looking back on it, I find it to be humorous. I expected my first sexual experience to be what the movies make it out to be. It was actually everything it should have been. embarrassing, awkward and a story for the books. Who loses their virginity in an attic? I do.