One of the most romantic stories in my life turned sour.

I first met Scott while I dated Anthony. I had gone to some metal show at a local music venue which at the time was called Oasis 160. I remember standing in the crowd with my friend Andy. I looked beside me and I instantly had a physical reaction. I remember putting my hand to my chest in awe. He was the man of my dreams. He looked like Davey Havok and Robert Smith in a 19 year olds body. I could feel him looking at me throughout the show. I remember he was with a blond haired lady which confused me. I made it quite noticeable that I was going to the bathroom. I didn’t have to go, I just wanted to see if he would follow me plus, it was a good cover considering Anthony and Andy were best friends. Scott did follow me, infact, he brought me to a corner of the venue where I had the most passionate make out session in my young life. I don’t remember us talking very much as we were both shy. We just looked into each others eyes and kissed. It felt natural and it felt sincere.

Probably a good hour went by and my mom came to pick me up. I didn’t remember his name or where he lived. I disappeared on him without a goodbye. I had begun to feel guilty about Anthony and was worried I would get caught.

A few months had passed and Anthony and I had broken up.(I had caught him cheating) Myspace was a huge thing back then so it was easy to find people and make connections. I started chatting it up with this guy who was exactly my type. We messaged each other everyday and it eventually turned into phone calls. We couldn’t figure out how we became friends on Myspace but we were happy that it happened. One particular night, we were visiting and he was asking me about the neighborhood that I lived in and the last show I went to. I told him it was at Oasis 160  a few months back. There was a moment of silence on the phone and he preceded to tell me that he was at the same venue around the same time. He then told me the story about a girl who he met there and couldn’t stop thinking about. It clicked for the both of us, I was that girl…he was that guy. I remember being so excited to find him again. We instantly made plans to meet.

Our first time meeting was in my mind magical. He came to my house and my mom let him in. I didn’t prepare her for what was on the other side of the door. Although he was kind and sweet, Scott had the look of a new wave, gothic punk. He had jet black hair that matched his eyeliner. He wore florescent eye shadow and at times black or red lipstick. He had his septum, nose, lip and brow pierced. His ears were gauged and his eyebrows were drawn on as he would shave them. He wore more jewelry and makeup than myself. He was my idea of perfection. My mother reluctantly let me go with him but before hand she interrogated me with millions of questions that I would respond to in lies. the truth is, I didn’t know him that well. we had no friends in common and I could have been in danger (being a teenager leads you to believe that you are unstoppable and nothing bad could ever happen). Scott and I had gone to visit my girlfriend Nicole and he had brought along a friend to keep us company. looking back I feel bad for the friends. They had to pretty much watch us make out and dry hump all day. I told him I loved him that day and he didn’t respond right away, but I knew he did. I had  pretty early curfew so after our day of just driving around and grabbing food I got dropped off. we said our good byes and I told him to call me when he got home. He did and that started our epic love affair.

I don’t think I have loved anyone as much as I loved him. I don’t know if I could to be honest. He was an unselfish love. a love that allowed me to grow and experiment sexually. He was the first of many firsts in my life. He spoiled me rotten with gifts and jewelry. He took me on countless dates and accompanied me to all my high school dances when he himself was a college student. He was my best friend.

So many memories that I look back on and laugh. we were so desperate to be with each other we would drive to abandon parking lots, or go to parks, or fields, or plan it out perfect so no one was home at his moms house. I remember the abandon parking lot in my moms minivan. we went to the back seat and we had fucked for at least an hour before the police knocked on the passenger side window. I remember him taking me to homecoming and pulling over on the side of the street so we could go to the park and fuck on the picnic table. I remember his mom leaving the house for an all day excursion. He had took the mattress off of his loud bed frame and we fucked every single way possible for a record time of 4 hours. I was so swollen that it hurt to walk.  I think the worst one was when Scott and I went to a show with his dad in Milwaukee. on the way home we sat in the very back of his SUV where I unzipped his pants and started to suck him off while he played with me from behind. we started to discreetly fuck. he held my mouth shut so my moans were muffled. I don’t think there wasn’t a day that we were with each other that we didn’t have sex. If I could find a man like that nowadays, I would be happy. Someone spontaneous and has no boundaries. I was spoiled with him. in every way possible.

Scott was a 4 year long process of being together and breaking up. I have regrets of the separation, but I also know that if it didn’t end, I would have been married and probably have had children by now. I would have missed out on my schooling, friends and experiences I have had so far. He is in a serious relationship right now that started after our last breakup. I believe 6 years ago and he hasn’t popped the question to her. I always wonder if I have anything to do with his lack of full commitment to this girl. I know him and I had many discussions about marriage and kids. He had given me a promise ring as well. I had also noticed that all of his girlfriends in someway or another physically resemble me. I wonder at times, if I moved back home and he knew, if he would come looking for me. He always looked me when I came home for the holidays. If he did look for me and find me, would I finally be ready to settle down with him? I haven’t talked to him in 4 years, but he is someone who is still on my mind and I don’t know if our story is over yet. after all, we have had the epic “how we met” story. Maybe one day he will be my happy ending. until then, I have a lot of other stories to tell you. including one really nasty one of Scott screwing me over.


Until then 🙂






dealing-with-heartbreakMy second boyfriend was Anthony. He was my first boyfriend in high school. He was older of course and believe it or not, I was not attracted to him. Back in those days we passed notes at fear of face to face rejection.

I was a little odd in high school. I wore black 95 percent of the time and had multicolored hair. I had facial piercings and wore loads of makeup. fishnets and corsets were an everyday look.

It was after second period when I went to my locker when a 10th grader came up to me. He was tall, wore a soulfly t-shirt and had Tripp pants. He had kind eyes and a smile that you cant help but smile back at. His name was Erik. He made me blush with every word he spoke. He didn’t say much. only that he had a note that he wanted me to read. I got to third period giddy and eager to sit down for a read. It turns out that the note was not from Erik. it was from his best friend Anthony. Anthony wrote about my beauty. How he noticed me right away and how he would like to get to know me. I didn’t know what he looked like as he never introduced himself. I wrote back saying that we should meet before I say yes to his invitation. I passed my note on back to Erik and after school that day Anthony and I met at the cafeteria.

I wasn’t really attracted to him, however, it became clear to me through talking with my new girlfriends that he was popular. I agreed to hangout and get to know each other and it ended up being that we had a lot in common. Upon getting to know each other I became more and more attracted to him. We wrote notes everyday professing our love for each other. we made out in the halls as if no one was around. we were late for classes every day and sometimes we would skip.  He was a rebel. A bad influence to be exact. He was dark and mysterious, never really letting anyone in. He had these green eyes, a shaved head but still had bangs. He was everything my mom hated. We dated secretly as my parents were persistent on me not dating. Anthony was a junior and I was a freshmen. He too had a sexual past and was eager for me to be the next. I too desired him. He was my first for any kind of “heavy petting”. He was dominate and aggressive. I liked it. like teenagers do, we would find places to neck at friends, in cars and parks. One of my most fondest memories is after an aggressive make out session in the middle of winter, we walked from Andy’s house to a tree fort close by. The huge spruce tree gave us shelter from the wind along with couches to continue our play time. he sat on the recliner as I straddled him. We made out and rubbed against each other until we couldn’t hold back anymore. I pulled down him pants and got on my knees. I wasn’t sure what I was doing, but I could feel him enjoy it. He stopped me a few minutes into it and asked “if I wanted to”. I said yes. He was my second. I rode him on the lazy boy until he came. I of course did not. I remember it still hurt, if not more so due to his girth.  we dated for one more month until I found out he was unfaithful.

Side note- we reconnected in 2015. He’s a loser 🙂



V-Card 101


The loss of virginity is a pivotal moment in a girls life. We expect the romantic setting, the music in the background and the lover that will know exactly how to hold you and make you feel comfortable. I expected my first time to be all of that and more. An orgasmic explosion and heated emotions. Never did I expect it to happen the way it did.

15 years old. Freshman year. I dated Eric. Eric was a more experienced guy who had a sexual past. I don’t remember much about him, but I remember him being the first guy to ever pay me a compliment and look at me in a sexual way. He made me feel beautiful and desired. It was new and exciting. I met him at a park where my brother used to play football as a kid. He played about 2 times a week and I started to notice the guys that would come around and watch from the neighborhood. I remember I walked to concession to grab some snacks and a drink when our eyes met. I was instantly attracted to him. He was your typical 16 year old boy. He had greasy looking hair and a “don’t give a shit attitude”. He was always on his BMX and had crew along with him at all times. He had acne and always seemed to have dirt under his nails. Most importantly, he was sweet. He was the first guy to kiss me so deeply that I couldn’t feel my toes. We were together for about 3 months (a life time as a teenager). I knew he was more experienced and I would lie if I didn’t feel pressure to start that sexual chapter in my life.

I don’t remember the day or what events lead up to the big event. I remember we were walking the streets of the neighborhood like we always did. It was his friends on their bikes and myself walking along. We decided to go to Adams house. His mom was never really home so it was a prime make out location. The boys and myself were in Adams room and I was watching them play video games. I snuck out to the bathroom and when I came out I saw Eric standing there. His friends were still in the room playing games and he and I were finally alone. We looked around the house for a perfect make out spot. He lead me up the stairs to the last door which lead to another flight of stairs to the attic. He opened the door and it was full of boxes and old furniture along with picture frames with no photographs and toys that haven’t been used in years. It was dusty, dark and had the smell of mold. In the corner of the room there was a mattress laying on the floor. He brought me over to the mattress where we started to kiss and get to know each others body. Eric and I never experimented with much. We always kept it PG. It was surprising to me that we skipped all the foreplay and got right down to business. I remember him undressing and then undressing me. I was shy with my body and tried to hide it as much as possible (I had always been a little chubbier). He made me feel comfortable and just took control. I remember the pain that was not expected. I remember thinking, this is it? This is what all the fuss is about? I remember it lasted about 4-5 minutes. I don’t even know if he came. I remember getting dressed and not being able to look at him. For some reason I was disgusted with him. I was disgusted in myself. I think it was because my expectations were so high. Why wasn’t it the most romantic night of my life? Why didn’t it feel good? Why didn’t we look into each others eyes and profess our love for each other?  I broke up with him the next day. I couldn’t look at him the same. I felt robbed of the experience of a life time and I blamed him. Looking back on it, I find it to be humorous. I expected my first sexual experience to be what the movies make it out to be. It was actually everything it should have been. embarrassing, awkward and a story for the books. Who loses their virginity in an attic? I do.

Welcome to my first attempt at a blog. I don’t fully understand what this world is about, but what I assume it to be is a place to rant about daily experiences and stories of the past. To be frank, I hope that I come across a reader that can somewhat relate to my past relationship experiences and outrageously awkward scenarios. I will have to back track a few times here and there. Maybe a reader will be able to give me advice or insight into why I pick the guys I pick and how the hell I end up in these situations that are at times humorous and embarrassing. Just a heads up, this blog will be descriptive and at times vulgar. readers discretion is advised.